The Brampton Bugle

Caryl · Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 4

Hi Splint - Its really good to know that there is still someone out there in Brampton Cyberspace . You are not quite alone - although I can't help thinking that our friend Ed might have wandered into a black hole. There was one with traffic lights round it on Chatsworth last week. With a bit of luck he'll re-appear behind the Bacon Counter in Woodheads in an age before computers were invented. I'll keep watching.

Dear Ed,

If you happen to have taken your lap top with you please take a look at your own stastistics

JPW is one of your top contributors. Over 13 % of the total posts arriving at your NEW IMPROVED FORUM have been submitted by him. The bad news is that this turns out to be just 0.08 posts per day. Mental arithmatic will soon lead you to the conclusion that the average daily posts submitted from all members is just ove 0.64 posts per day. The better news is that JPW's material is so good that it has attracted over 2900 hits so far . Have you ever wondered who your reader with the shell shocked forefinger might be ? I thought he was behind me in the line at Tesco's check out last week but it turned out to be BBM's whippet sniffing about. Small world eh?

Any way Ed keep up the good work and I'll look forward, or backwards, to hearing from you in the near future / past.

Yours etc Caryl

[[/i]

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 49 Location: Walgrove area

The other day I found an article stuffed in and old shoe. (No it wasn’t and old foot it was a proper published thing written by a proper published writer) Reading between the lines,( I must stop doing that) I realised that it was a whistle blowers account of the cover up and myth perpetuated by the establishment during World War 2 concerning the Royal Family’s wartime activities.
The story that the King and Queen (God bless ‘em) spent all their spare time walking around the bombed out housing estates of East London, picking up red hot pieces of shrapnel and serving jellied eels to a cheering grateful populous.
A good story, but not entirely true. Yes, there had been pictures of them doing such things, shown on newsreels all over the world (except France) but the actuality of their real motives was not nearly as patriotic. The truth was ( according to this anonymous writer) the people seen on the silver screen, doing their ‘bit’ for the war effort were not the King and Queen all the time, but cleverly disguised royal doubles. Actors picked out to do a job and paid well for their time and secrecy.
Most of the members of the Royal family, apart from those who were helping Hitler,(allegedly) were housed in splendid isolation at a secret air base, well away from the capital and safe from enemy bombing. For most of the war, well until the Yanks came into it anyway, they mounted a majestic manoeuvre, designed specifically to assure the continuation of their regime.
It involved constant devotion to duty, as was expected from all with royal blood, and it meant sacrifices far beyond the normal rigour of Britannic burden. Each member, no matter what position in the pecking order, had to take his or her turn to stand with one foot on the tarmac runway and the other one on the bottom step of the gangway, leading up to a four engine, long-range aircraft, which was kept in service 24 hours a day. Orders were that at the first sign of a German parachutist, or even someone flying a kite with suspicious black markings, the whole lot of them, Princes Margaret included, would be whisked off to Canada, and then to Hollywood as guests of Howard Hughes.

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton (west)

Just had my relation JPW at our back door, spitting blood and carrying a two page article for the bugle. He said neither he or H Splint can’t log on, and after five goes was told to wait another half an hour. He said he will try again but thinks there’s a conspiracy to block him. I dread to think what he will do next, perhaps delete all his stuff and go elsewhere- Horrors, then what will you have? Thin mortar and no bricks, that’s what.

Barnaby Wylde · Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Near a teapot.

Luckily, I just happen to have the ear of our illustrious editor, and although in some considerable pain he has assured me quite loudly that no-one has been barred from this most useful and prestigious of resources.

This being possibly the most exclusive forum on the 'internet', as young people are apt to call it, the Board of Directors feel that imposing any greater level of exclusivity than is extant at this time would be counter-productive in terms of usefulness to the current usership and public at large, consequently no such action or actions have been or will be undertaken.

The sides of the black hole are gradually being decorated, in magnolia, and normal service will be resumed. Meanwhile, here is a short extract.

Caryl · Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 4

Dear Barnaby,

Can you put that in writing ?

Yours etc, Caryl

The Famous Orb · Joined: 28 Jun 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Scarrot B

Okay, the secrets out, it's me JPW. Wasn't going to let on but I had to.

Tried to log on, but can't. Even joined again but still no luck;had to borrow Orbs handle to get on, so now I am saying goodbye Goodbye. JPW

Watch this space for more space.

Harold Hight · Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

It just so happens that I have the other ear of the editor, who informs me, with the kind of myopic squint usually attributable to excessive self-abuse, that in his considered opinion which he has considered considerably at great length and personal expense, there is no discernable reason why JPW, new or old, shouldn't be able to 'log on', if you'll pardon the expression, providing the correct password is entered, although case sensitivity should be strictly observed particularly if one has a sensitive case.

Caryl · Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 4

Dear Mr Hight,

For somebody who just joined on Bonfire Night you seem to be very well aquainted with the Editor; even to the point of knowing how many ears he has and which one works. If this indeed is the case would you please ask him, via the ear that works, when he is going to keep his promise to do something to improve this forum. A part of the problem with the New Improved Forum is that many of the old contributors couldn't figure out how to sign in to start with.

JPW has been logging on here for the best part of a year now and is one of the few contributors who could be bothered with the New Improved Forum when it sadly replaced the Brampton Wall. Now your telling him he doesn't know his Caps Lock from his Alt Ctr. Really - such typing errors are only made by those wearing boxing gloves.

Yours etc. Caryl

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

Tsk, I knew I'd have to sort things out sooner or later; you pathetic humans are hopeless at everything except making mistakes. As my owner, the Editor, can no longer see very well on account of his spectacles having fallen off and broken, and cannot tell one end of a computer from the other, a disability compounded by the inherent inferiority of the human olfactory sense and many years of bodily abuse, I have taken it upon myself (tricky for a canine at the best of times) to make some attempt to rectify this disturbing situation. To this end, JPW (the original) has been sent a new password, or a reminder of his old one, I'm not sure which, but it will work. If not, I would respectfully suggest not wearing the boxing gloves for the more delicate and non-masturbatory activities. My master tends only to wear them for sleeping, although this has led to him being thrown off one or two buses in the past.

Splint was a little easier; that account works perfectly, although I'd recommend changing the password as it is very guessable, and he has been known to spell it with an 'a' instead of an 'o' occasionally. Security systems can be picky about such things. I trust from your previous comment regarding case sensitivity that he is aware that the word should enjoy the same privilege as his Good Name.

Woof,

Bonzo
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Fergie · Joined: 27 Mar 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Rug

Ooh I love it when you talk human.. x

Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

This one works okay. Being that so many people are trying to be me,
( and Harold Splint).I have decided to be somebody else. Who? I havent decided yet.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

You could be me, but I wouldn't like it.

Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

Now you see how I feel.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

That'll be why my eyes feel strange then.

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton (west)

This is getting smutty again. Stop it. It's always the same when women of the opposite sex get involved with forums.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

There's actually surprisingly little local work for male novelty trampolinists round here since the mines closed, that's why I had the sex-change. Still, it's progress; we shouldn't really complain. Of course, it's well nigh impossible to get local work anywhere else, they just don't want to know. As my grandad used to say, and he went to college: "There's no accounting for it."

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton (west)

My granddad also went to college, and he used to say-“See a pin and pick it up, and all the day you’ll have a pin.” So where does that leave you eh?

Barney Bastard · Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 6:06 pm Post subject: Do I not bleed?

My late father used to work for old Josiah Tulip at Tulip's Pin Works on School Board Lane. He went there straight from borstal as an apprentice sharpener, and worked his way up to foreman of the head polishing shop before getting the sack for being late. It's a small world if you ignore most of it.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

Barnaby Wylde · Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Near a teapot.

Just as a point of interest, my auntie Ernest was a shaft polisher at Tulip's during the war but we don't talk about it much. She also played the bagpipes on the Brampton tram until they threw her off for soiling the ashtrays. As she was always so fond of saying, "There's nowt so queer as them as int plumb." We often used to wonder what on earth she was talking about.

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton (west)

As much as I enjoy the nostalgia about the good old days in Brampton, I must point out that Tulip’s Precision Dangerous Pin Works, on School Board Lane, had nothing whatsoever to do with our family; why should it? Oh, I see now, Tulip.

Just for the record, my great- grandfather Tancradus Tulip (on his father’s side), founded and ran a very successful cosmetic/medical produce factory just off Walgrove Road. Starting from scratch he invented the Tulip patent anti tic liniment that was sold throughout the civilised world (except France) and made a vast fortune. All lost now unfortunately due to his passion for fast cars and mushy peas.

Getting back to the misunderstanding of our family name- Tulip, there are lots of Tulips in the old country, Holland.

Barnaby Wylde · Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Near a teapot.

My father, an accomplished and enthusiastic singer, wouldn't drink anything else, but I always assumed Tulip's Liniment was an imported delicacy. I had no idea it was a local brew; that would account for why it was mysteriously available throughout the whole year.

Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

You weren’t supposed to drink it; Tulip’s anti- tic liniment was made specifically to deaden the noise on over- loud clocks. Over 4 tons were successfully applied to the gears and striking mechanism on St Thomas’s alone, just to keep the workers on the night shift at the nearby Arthur Kindling’s Stick foundry happy during the day.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

My granny used it for everything.

C. Urmudgeon · Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 6

It was an excellent cure for saxophones, as long as you were careful.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 49 Location: Walgrove area

My Granddad played E flat Alto(without top F sharp) for many years, with Reggie Hailstone and his jazz toilet. He used to cure his instument by hanging it up for three weeks in the outside toilet/cum wash house after rubbing it all over with Jiff.

Harold Hight · Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

I tried that but the neighbours complained to the Town Hall. How did he cure his saxophone though?

Jenny Talwort · Joined: 29 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

Will you blokes stop it. Us ladies can't get a word in edgeways. Every time I think or something to type in I get half way through and then another message pops up about somebody's saxophone or nail or something like that and then I forget what it was I was going to put down in the first place. I bet your wives wonder what you are up to all day long sat at your keyboards tapping away like that, it must be an awful racket and, I would think there must be more things to do around the house or in the garden than being sat at that thing all day long and it must be bad for your eyes anyway and a bad example to the kids poor things, they'll all end up with no jobs and wearing glasses. My husband is just the same except he spends all his time on e bay bidding for rubbish somebody else is glad to get rid of. The postman must be sick and tired of bringing cardboard boxes stuck together with yards of parcel tape to our house. I've stopped signing for them when he's out. What can anybody in there right mind want with a 1956 Hotpoint electric mangle. If he thinks I'm putting my smalls through that contraption he's got another think coming. And its just as bad when he manages to get rid of something like the old motobike cylinder head he managed to sell for £3.50. It was me who humped it round to the post office and then ended up paying £12 to post it to somebody in Kent. He still owes me that but I hope he doesn't think I've forgotten, everytime I look at this Brampton Bugle Forum it reminds me of what men can get up to on their computers when they think there wives won't find out. Its been nice chatting to you all and I hope nobody has written in again while I've been typing here. I'm a good speller bur I've never had formal training on a typewriter and so I'm a bit slow in that respect.

admin · Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 11:17 pm Post subject: Post subject:

You obviously know nothing about mangles, but nevertheless a feminine touch is always welcome here at Bugle Towers.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 49 Location: Walgrove area

Thanks Jenny. I read your article with interest (about 3%). It is always good to hear from the Ladies in Brampton. However, let me put you straight about one or two things. First( and you must know this if you have studied the forum’s content), us male writers in, like to talk about nails, and pork pies, rugby /football, saxophones and anything silly and horse drawn, so there.
Secondly, we don’t spend all day on our computers, not at all. Most of us just write the first thing that comes into our heads, so as you can see, it is mostly rubbish and not ‘War and Piece’ or ‘Jamie Wotsit’s cook book’. Okay?
Anyway, this morning as I was sorting through my late granddad’s collection of commemorative steam valve leather washers, I found, hidden between a photo of Lord Mountbatten saluting and Lulu(not) a rather official looking letter from Buckingham Palace, inviting my granddad to attend an investiture to receive a knighthood in recognition of his contribution to the war effort (1939-1945).
Intrigued by this I did some research and came up with some interesting facts that up to now were classified, due to the 62 year can’t speak of this for 62 year rule.

Excuse me, I must sign off now as her Ladyship, my wife has just informed me that its late and the leopards need to be let out, and even more intriguing, some members of the American Secret Service are at the front door. Off.

admin · Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 12:19 am Post subject: Re: Touched by Femininity

For those interested in such things, there is a website devoted to artwork produced by both amateur and professional horses here:
http://www.gullible-twat.com

Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

I'm ever so guilible;my favorite book is Guilibles Travels. Even so I would like all the horse drawing speculation stuff to stop right now, so JPW can continue his story. What happened next JPW? Did the leopards make it out on time or did they mess up the kitchen again? What did the American Secret Service want, and at that time of night for goodness sake?

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

Interesting point: Few people actually realise this, but the word 'gullible' does not, and has never, appeared in any published dictionary of the English language.
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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 12 Location: Here

Hello everyone, I just dropped in to say 'hello' to everyone, but an overwhelming sense of community compels me to offer some invaluable advice regarding the removal of unwanted leopard droppings from most kitchen floors. Simply use sellotape. I've kept leopards for many years, so I know what I'm talking about, trust me.

The American Secret Service came to our house the other day too, and I've got a sign up. I don't know what they wanted, I'm sure.

Ron

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 49 Location: Walgrove area

To continue - The leopards made it out in time, I knew they would, but the American Secret Service was a different kettle of fish. (To give it a fishing analogy being as I’ve been to Tinny Johnson’s and Grimsby). What they wanted, was for me to keep my mouth shut about the Roswell incident, (you know 1947, flying saucers, etc.) and how my Aunty Pauline, on a touring holiday of the States, unwittingly took in and looked after two bewildered aliens she had found stranded in the desert. Little did Aunty Pauline know was, that not only is it frowned upon in most Southern States, it’s against the law in that part of New Mexico.

Luckily her plea of being ignorant saved her from incarceration but the lesser charge of harbouring aliens from another planet in her touring Winnebago that wasn’t adapted for alien toiletries etc, resulted in her spending several months with the Buffalo Bill Wild West show in Las Vegas, masquerading as Olive Oakley, the twin sister of Anne, the famous female sharp shooter. It was a sobering experience for everyone concerned and as promised, when she returned home to Brampton, she didn’t breath a word of this, although family and friends thought it strange when she habitually lassoed lampposts and tried to brand Dolly, the rag and bone man’s trusty horse.
Not knowing anything about this, I said I didn’t know anything about it and to underline my position showed them the letter I had received from the Palace.
Sorry, I must stop now as Bo Bo is trying to eat the postman.

Jenny Talwort · Joined: 29 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

The only flying saucer you'll see around here is the one aimed at my husband's head if he dares to bring any more live stock back here. The last thing that he turned up with was a half dead ( but more lively than he is in bed lately) lizard in a glass tank, so if any of you out there are contemplating, or thinking of, starting a lizard dropping collection just turn up with your own football or rugby supporters hat and I'll be pleased to fill it. There's also half a pork pie he pushed under the mattress last Christmas. If your specialised subject happens to be rare species of mould growth or denture impressions in pastry please let me know.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

My granny used to make pies with her teeth until she ran out. She got knocked down by a tram and the Council said it was her own fault. You had to make your own fun in those days.