The Brampton Bugle

Fr. Peter O'Foyle · Guest

As a practicing Christian, I wish to warn all decent-thinking readers of a most disturbing and undesirable trend that is pervading our retail food industry. I could scarcely believe my eyes the other day when perusing the vegetable display at our local supermarket. There for all to see was the pornographic presentation of Brussels sprouts in transparent bags, not even on a high shelf to avoid the wanton gaze of corruptible young children, labelled clearly with the phrase "Ready to cook", whereas these sprouts were in fact not 'ready to cook' at all, as, not just one, but ALL the sprouts contained therein had blatantly NOT been fully prepared and bore not the Sign of Christ on their undersides in the manner which our Good Lord commanded in the Holy Bible.

Whilst this kind of laxity may be acceptable to foreigners, atheists, those of a theatrical bent and persons of dubious sexual persuasion, for a good Christian it is simply not good enough. In fact I find it downright offensive. These Satanic vegetables are presumably the produce of some backward heathen country and not good respectable Christian sprouts, although this is no excuse; one may as well say the crusades and the Inquisition were a waste of time.

To eliminate any doubt, the correct Christian way to prepare each sprout is to mark the fundament of the chosen vegetable with the sign of the Cross using a sharp knife, whilst reverently uttering the following words: "Holy Father, bless this sprout, that all its sin shall be without." Contrary to popular opinion, the Latin has not been compulsary since 1961, though some traditionalists still prefer it.

Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard · Guest

I quite agree; this sort of insidious filth should be curtailed immediately before too many tender young minds are corrupted by the vile ways of Satan. From your own educational stance you will doubtless be aware that a sound thrashing is by far the best way of instilling God's love into children, but the Good Lord, in His infinite wisdom only saw fit to put 24 hours in each day.

Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard,
Church of the Holy Bleeding Martyr's Hacked off Limbs,
Stench St.,
Brampton.

Fr. Peter O'Foyle · Guest

I'm glad we're in agreement Father Grumptious. Perhaps you would be kind enough to let us exhibit your collection of Holy potatoes at the school for a while? It would be a great inspiration to the children, I'm sure. The one with the image of Torquemada on it is a particular favourite of mine.

Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard · Guest

It would be a pleasure. My personal favourite is Hitler of course - now there was a man who put bums on seats. Had to swap two Popes for that one.

Percussion Section · Guest

This is all to sophisticated

BRING BACK BEVAN BOY MINDER

Signed

Brampton Bucket Bangers

Fr. Peter O'Foyle · Guest

This is exactly the sort of behaviour I was warning against. This vile wretched specimen of humanity was probably raised on unconsecrated vegetables and no doubt received a heathen education at a state-school. This would never have happened in the 15th century.

Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard · Guest

Well, you know what brass bands are like - heretics, the lot of them. If there's anything I despise, it's the sound of a brass band in the street. I think they do it on purpose. Dirty brazen young slatterns playing the euphonium in full view of everyone with their little uniforms and white ankle-socks, taunting upstanding members of the public with their filthy unholy ways.. Thrash them; that's what I'd do - thrash them hard. Damned hard.

Percussion Section · Guest

Your perception of BEVAN BOY MINDER is probably spot on except had he been around in the 15th C he would now be 600 years old and without a shred of flesh left on his buttocks. Anything left of that would have been removed by his enlightened state school teachers in the 1950's as a punishment for walking on the grass.

Thats what makes him a true BRAMP T ONION and thats why the BUGLE needs him back.

We agree with your comments about Brass Bands. Our main function as tone deaf percussionists is to drown out the noise of the trombonists, trumpeters, euphoniumblowers and the rest of the non-ferous scrap section that many, including the conductor, find so annoying.

Signed : - Brampton Bucket Bangers

Norry Noose · Guest

Bring back the death penalty.

Fr. Peter O'Foyle · Guest

Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard · Guest

Oh I've tried, believe me. The last time I approached Reverend Mother Euphemia on the subject, she threw an empty gin bottle at me and asserted, in no uncertain terms, that she was the only person qualified to correctly chastise the 'whores of Beelzebub', as she affectionately calls her pupils. One has to admire such deep devotion to duty. They won't let me back in secular schools of course, since that unfortunate misunderstanding with the lochgelly back in the 60's.

I must say, it's heartening to see young Norry Noose has grown up with sensible ideals and a keen sense of sociological order. I always said that lad would go far.

Fr. Peter O'Foyle · Guest

H Splint(the younger) · Guest

I went to a Church school in Staveley, and this is what I wrote after I escaped.

God.

God listens to all our prayers,
The clergy tell me so.
He waits until we say Amen,
And then he answers, no

Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard · Guest

I suppose you think that sort of blasphemous filth is big and clever. You won't think that when you're screaming in pitiful agony whilst razor toothed demons rip your flesh from the bone and the flames of Hell lick your private parts. When I was at school, that's what you got for using a biro.