The Brampton Bugle

H Splint · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 12

Thanks JPW. Even if you are me, it's still a complement coming from you. By the way, are you also Biggles?

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

Are you me then too? It would explain a lot. Reality isn't what it used to be.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

C. Urmudgeon · Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

I remember when it was all fields, and local folk could "race their donkeys" in peace without the interference of pointless pansy southern paper shuffling pen pushers soiling the countryside with their bland housing estates and antisocial pronunciation.

AG bloody D - they should have been lined up and shot for building the AGD, then lined up and shot again for building its vile replacement. I don't know who, it's the principle that counts.

And don't talk to me about that bloody awful supposed sculpture (Isaiah) either, it's crap, ugly, and would be better used as hardcore; art my arse - they were robbed. It looked a lot better with a nose and mouth painted on it.

H Splint · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 12

I remember when it was all dense forest and you could travel from Holymoorside to Staveley without setting foot on the ground. Then one day it was all cleared away and the hills were put up, big mistake, that's when all the Londoners came here to be first to climb up them and look down on the rest of us.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

I can remember that, does that mean you're who I am?

H Splint · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 12

Not necessarily, it could be you who is who I am. And remember, I am only a figment.

Dan Sprocket · Joined: 26 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

Barney Bastard · Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:58 am Post subject: Re: Bah

I bit his finger off but it didn't stop him. Anybody want to buy an ark?

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

I'd just like to say that I'm a figment of my own imagination, not anyone elses. I come from a litter of twelve - you can't teach me anything about identity. Times were hard when I was a pup, it was dog eat dog. Furthermore, it was me who actually bit off Russ Conway's finger.
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Support the Brampton Bugle
campaign against nun baiting.
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Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard · Joined: 27 Jun 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Brampton

He's right Barney, you merely ate it. Ah, happy days.

Dan Sprocket · Joined: 26 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

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The Famous Orb · Joined: 28 Jun 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Scarrot B

Dan Sprocket · Joined: 26 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

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JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

C. Urmudgeon · Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

Final frontier my arse. Front bottom more like. I saw that alien from Roswell, it was that magician bloke from Yorkshire.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Tat tar

admin · Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 4:27 am Post subject: Hmm

There is no mother-ship, it's not coming, ever. They never had any intention of coming back for us; this is it, and we are stuck with it.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

admin · Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 11:35 pm Post subject: poo

The revelation of startlings perhaps? We don't get too many of those round here since the demise of quality pork pie manufacturing. When I was a lad, there was a pork butcher on every corner that didn't have a pub and everyone was significantly more startled on a regular basis. Anyway, why are you asking me? I'm just as much a figment as everyone else. Except Bonzo of course, who invented all of us while suffering from indigestion.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

H Splint · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 12

Not many people know this, and I am not altogether convinced, but back in 1916, during the Great War, a well-known inventor and conscientious objector called William H. Throttle, from Derby Road, invented a machine for measuring startlement.
It was horse- drawn(although many draftsmen from Donkins helped with the design) steam driven and calibrated in inches, due to submarines. (You couldn’t get metric for love nor money in those days)
It had the added bonus of recording a score out of 10 for intensity; a 2 was quite normal for those days, what with the war and everything and a 5 was, well intense.
Anyone who registered a 5 was immediately sent to the trenches as they were made of the right stuff to face the Bosch. ( Some had to wash by hand in a stream.)
The highest ever state of startlement score was a high 6 and a quarter, recorded in 1923, long after the conflict and held by the Great Assendo, or Erne as his friends called him. He was an ex Royal Flying Coup Zeppelin spotter, but now that his services were no longer required, he became a freelance high altitude balloonist and exaggerator. I don’t know what happened to him but my granddad reckons he became a Liberal MP for North Sincs.

admin · Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 1:49 am Post subject: Re: flogging

It's funny you should mention Throttle's horse drawn steam driven startlement indicator, as my great aunt Cuthbert had one for years and never knew what it was until she was accidentally startled by a runaway tram. She won it at bingo shortly after the first world war. I used to play with it as a child, but the horses had been dead for some time by then.

Dan Sprocket · Joined: 26 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

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C. Urmudgeon · Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

Sonky? Pah. In Brampton (before it was invaded by posh folks and estate agents) we had Jimmy Gaunt's theoretical bicycle shop where you could get absolutely everything, and be reminded that it was cheaper than it was in Woolies in the 1920's. All gone now of course, you can't get a theoretical bicycle for love nor money. You can, however, now sit outside the pork butchers at the end of Heaton Street supping coffee on the pavement like a continental ponce. Personally I preferred the availability of respectable pork pies and cheap odd things. And don't talk to me about smoking in pubs, the last thing I want is to be able to smell the lavatories and taste the revolting muck they laughingly claim to be beer. And another thing, however grammatically wrong it may be to start a sentence with 'and'; why did they ever change the name of the George Stephenson Memorial Theatre? It's not as if we've had many people worth commemorating round here. There was Baden Powell of course, although I always thought 'Scouting for Boys' was a strange choice of title. Stephenson did invent the straight cucumber at Tapton though, and that deserves to be remembered alongside his other achievements. In my less than humble opinion, the admirable pointlessness of the development of the straight cucumber wasn't exceeded until they put a man on the moon.

I think I feel better now.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

The Famous Orb · Joined: 28 Jun 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Scarrot B

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H Splint · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 12

I too am a figment, but I too have noticed this. I may have the ear of JPW, and perhaps lots of other bits, but nobody know what he's on with.

admin · Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 8:17 pm Post subject: Grunt

Apologies for the lamentable lack of whatever there's been a lack of of late, but Bugle Towers is currently beset by plague and pestilence of a hitherto unknown magnitude. We offer our sincere thanks to those stalwarts and bastions who have, single handedly in some cases, maintained the standards to which our esteemed readers are accustomed. We hope that normal service will be restored in the fullness of time at the appropriate juncture. Meanwhile, here is a little light music.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

H Splint · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 12

Light music, you’re lucky; all I can hear day and night are wind chimes, dingle, clinky, bloody dingle all the time. No mater where I am in the house, down in the cellar with the leopard or up in the round tower with Orb checking on asteroids, I am constantly bombarded with the most annoying sound in the world. (Next to Jamie Cullen’s attempts at playing jazz) The only way to stop the abundance of these abominations is to sell with them instructions that state- for best results, stick them up your arse.

Dan Sprocket · Joined: 26 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

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Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

I can help, although I helped before with the very same problem but due to heavy pruning on the old Brampton wall it alas got lost. Anyway, here it is again, take note all you readers in case it gets lost again.

My uncle Percy played lead Cor anglais in the Clay Cross, Cor anglais horse drawn formation display team, and my aunty Betty got rid of him with a cattle prod as she distracted him with a photo of Oscar Hammerstein humming .

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Dan Sprocket · Joined: 26 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

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H Splint · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 12

Did you know that my uncle Eric, of Fluxum and Co, boilers and heating engineers Stop Cock Lane Staveley, one of the greatest plumbers in the area since ‘wipe me quick’ Ledall and his band of travelling sprinklers left town, has recently married the lead soloist from the Dagenham Girl Pipers?

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Albert Scrimper · Joined: 30 Sep 2007 Posts: 1 Location: Brampton

When is 'Goddit' going to write something eh? That's what I want to know.

H Splint · Joined: 10 Jun 2007 Posts: 12

And me.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Caryl · Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 5

Excuse my interjection Splint.

Dear Ed

Poor old Splint. Even he his getting fed up with talking to himself on the New,Improved Forum. Things aren't getting any better you know. Unbelievably you did manage to attract 33 visitors to the New Improved Forum on Sat June 10, and all at the same time, but that was at 3 o'clock in the morning. Who were all these people logging on at that hour; Australians, Milk Men or members of the Insomnia Sufferers Institute ??

I know its been mentioned before but you really do need return the forum to its previous user friendly Brampton Wall format. Just 12 months ago the Brampton Wall was thriving, take a look. You did promise to do something about it ages ago, but, in the style of Bevin Boy Minder, Nothing Keeps on Happening

I trust you will find this reply 'abusive, obscene, vulgar, slanderous, threatening and sexually orientated'. Also, if you find yourself distraced from your normal administrative duties by adverts for instant relief therapy, you might find my previous advise on the alternative use of boxing gloves 'handy'.

Yours etc., Caryl

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

Harold Hight · Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

I'd just like to say that I have nothing whatsoever to do with Markham's, works or pit, although I've been past it. For several years, in fact.

Are you the Arnold Tulip?

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Gone