The Brampton Bugle

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

gone

Barnaby Wylde · Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Near a teapot.

Hmm. The French have never fully grasped the subtle beauty of a quality hand-raised pork pie. "Où sont les sabots du cheval?" they ask. "Pourquoi devrais-je manger mon amant sucrées?" Unfortunately I've no idea what they're talking about, due to our French teacher's unusually dubious teaching methods.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Also gone

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

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admin · Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 5:28 pm Post subject: Bah, humbug

Seasonal grittings to all our reader.

C. Urmudgeon · Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Everso Gone

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Odie Twallitt · Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 1 Location: Comfortably seated

They say actions speak louder than words, but I can't hear them.

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ronnie Bastard · Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 6 Location: An institution

The boys from C wing rioted last week over the lack of poetry; they reckon you've gone soft. I told them you were probably only hibernating, but 'Corkscrew' McLarceny tried to bite my ear off for using big words. The inmates were even more savage. I can kiss goodbye to my discharge now, though I'd never have thought it possible. Congratulations on your resurrection from the dead - is it anything to do with Easter?

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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admin · Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: Floccinaucinihilipilification

We Bramptonians do our best to ensure strange things happen here on a regular basis. It all helps to keep normality at bay. "What doesn't kill me makes me stranger" - that's what I say. Mind you, I get some funny looks. Perhaps it's the tutu.

Glad to have you back, anyway. We've tried to keep things exactly as they were. We'd actually heard you'd been attempting to find the North-West passage on a pogo stick - was that just a malicious rumour?

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ronnie Bastard · Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 6 Location: An institution

My mate over in the psychiatric wing reckons religion is only there to stop poor folk eating rich folk, but then he thinks he's Napoleon Bonaparte. He even talks French several times a week, but no-one believes him. He's too tall really, and he's from Barrow Hill.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

My great-uncle Tiberius once bit Alec Dane on the elbow. Wore a muzzle for years, poor fellow. I don't go in for all this God stuff, personally. Let's face it, if God had meant us to believe in God, he'd have made us more gullible.
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JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

It was Buzz Aldrin actually, and he actually said "Lawks an' lumme, aint it a small world what we live in, cor blimey so it is". He was actually in Mary Poppins as well, though strictly in the non-biblical sense, mind you. His father played the cor blimey in Horace Batter's Whimsical Poltroons Danceband, alongside the great Mavis Dimple. Few people actually realise that, even though it's admittedly a remarkable coincidence, considering.

Of course I know somebody who knows you - I know somebody who knows everybody. They are always watching, you cannot evade the eye of Dog. Dog is everywhere, chum.

I sent for a new brain out of the catalogue. I might well send it back though, I don't really think it's quite me, despite the excellent value for money and certificate of authenticity.
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Eric Splint · Joined: 09 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

It’s a little known fact; (although I know somebody who knows this) that Buzz Aldrin is a relation of Tinny Johnson (Brampton) and a direct descendent of Tinnitus Commodus the Roman founder of Spital Tile.

Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

They actually used that little ladder on the Apollo 11 mission. Nasa didn't have one small enough so Tinny Johnson lent them that one, on condition they brought it back in one piece. They wrapped silver paper round it of course, to prevent the space-rays from destabilizing the molecular structure of the wood, but it can be clearly seen on the film footage. Of course, most people think astronauts are bigger than they actually are, but they aren't. A sensible strategy when you think about it - not quite as stupid as they look, our colonial cousins. Well, some of them anyway.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

Not at all - I was referring to Americans in general. Racism and bigotry aren't gentlemanly qualities when reduced to a personal level. Besides, I've never once seen you use the expressions 'hot diggety', or 'diddly squat', and you never refer to Ma Doody, whoever she is.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

Pah. If it wasn't for our boys going over there, you'd all be speaking Spanish.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

They knew it wasn't going to be a tea party. Europe had almost completely run out of pork pies by 1944, and the Germans had resorted to using hedgehogs. My uncle Ernest was buggered by a hedgehog at Normandy.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

I remember when bison used to roam the plains of Loundsley Green. It used to be known as the donkey racecourse of course, before the AGD was built and Brampton was invaded by limp southerners and paper-clip fetishists. The local donkeys were terrified of bison and as a consequence had evolved a tendency to run faster than the average donkey, thus sparing them the indignity of seaside employment. As children, we used to get sent to the allotments to acquire the requisite vegetables, and were expected to hunt, kill, and butcher a bison on the way home for the stewing-meat, although my big sister usually did that part - and not without a conspicuous amount of glee. To this day though, I have very fond memories of Mam's bison meat stews.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

There are few things more annoying than cardinals on your drive, they're a dreadful nuisance - think yourself lucky the weather's still cold. Give it a couple more weeks or so and I expect we'll be over-run with archdeacons as well. I've never known the Pope refuse a cup of tea though, I think you might have been visited by an imposter. Did he have 'Heil Pope' tattooed on his knuckles? All the same, it's a pity you didn't have Alec Dane handy.

I've often wondered who taught Jools Holland. Perhaps you might teach him something else.. plastering springs to mind.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

Let's face it, all Popes are a bit dodgy unless they're tree surgeons, though how fish can exist up trees is still a mystery to me. You've probably had that Pope impersonator bloke from Poolsbrook round. He does the Working Men's Club circuit - makes a fortune and the ignoramus can't even speak a word of latin. Still, everyone has to earn a living I suppose, and he always goes down well, despite the lack of mother-in-law jokes. It's interesting you should mention the crowds out on the street - I get them at night, usually in peasant costumes and brandishing flaming torches. Try spreading raw sewage outside the gate; it worked for me.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

Mind you don't let those dead cardinals rot, they'll poison your soil. Much too alkaline. It happened to my auntie once, and you can't get acidic jews round here for love nor money, though Tinny's might have some in the cellar.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

You want to get that raw sewage down before he starts standing in the front bedroom window waving his arms about and blessing people willy-nilly. (Or is it nomminy-nomminy?) You could have trouble with the Council over that - change of usage etc. - but they're generally ok about sewage.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

And here’s me thinking people actually read my stuff- Ha. I was going to tell you the real reason the multitudinous crowd was outside on the street but why should I bother.

Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard · Joined: 27 Jun 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Brampton

What I want to know is where one can procure the aforementioned magic chips. I've been talking to God for some considerable time now and so far such items have not been forthcoming, despite my repeated requests and the odd twinge of erectile dysfunction in the confessional.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

I know something that isn't called anything, but I'm not going to say what it is.

admin · Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: Nun

Good to have you back JP, we were all rather concerned about reports of you being bundled into the back of a van by nuns of a conspicuously violent disposition and carted off. Someone else said you'd got poet's elbow, but that's just silly.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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Eric Splint · Joined: 09 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

Was it your uncle Percy that wrote-

I must go down to the sea again,
On a fine day, with a force three blowin’.
And all I ask is a gaff rigged yawl,
And someone who knows what he’s doing.

C. Urmudgeon · Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

That reminds me - I must go down to Halfords again.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

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