The Brampton Bugle

Caryl · Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 5

Hi Splint - Its really good to know that there is still someone out there in Brampton Cyberspace . You are not quite alone - although I can't help thinking that our friend Ed might have wandered into a black hole. There was one with traffic lights round it on Chatsworth last week. With a bit of luck he'll re-appear behind the Bacon Counter in Woodheads in an age before computers were invented. I'll keep watching.

Dear Ed,

If you happen to have taken your lap top with you please take a look at your own stastistics

JPW is one of your top contributors. Over 13 % of the total posts arriving at your NEW IMPROVED FORUM have been submitted by him. The bad news is that this turns out to be just 0.08 posts per day. Mental arithmatic will soon lead you to the conclusion that the average daily posts submitted from all members is just ove 0.64 posts per day. The better news is that JPW's material is so good that it has attracted over 2900 hits so far . Have you ever wondered who your reader with the shell shocked forefinger might be ? I thought he was behind me in the line at Tesco's check out last week but it turned out to be BBM's whippet sniffing about. Small world eh?

Any way Ed keep up the good work and I'll look forward, or backwards, to hearing from you in the near future / past.

Yours etc Caryl

[[/i]

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

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Barnaby Wylde · Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Near a teapot.

Luckily, I just happen to have the ear of our illustrious editor, and although in some considerable pain he has assured me quite loudly that no-one has been barred from this most useful and prestigious of resources.

This being possibly the most exclusive forum on the 'internet', as young people are apt to call it, the Board of Directors feel that imposing any greater level of exclusivity than is extant at this time would be counter-productive in terms of usefulness to the current usership and public at large, consequently no such action or actions have been or will be undertaken.

The sides of the black hole are gradually being decorated, in magnolia, and normal service will be resumed. Meanwhile, here is a short extract.

Caryl · Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 5

Dear Barnaby,

Can you put that in writing ?

Yours etc, Caryl

The Famous Orb · Joined: 28 Jun 2007 Posts: 11 Location: Scarrot B

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Harold Hight · Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

It just so happens that I have the other ear of the editor, who informs me, with the kind of myopic squint usually attributable to excessive self-abuse, that in his considered opinion which he has considered considerably at great length and personal expense, there is no discernable reason why JPW, new or old, shouldn't be able to 'log on', if you'll pardon the expression, providing the correct password is entered, although case sensitivity should be strictly observed particularly if one has a sensitive case.

Caryl · Joined: 17 Oct 2007 Posts: 5

Dear Mr Hight,

For somebody who just joined on Bonfire Night you seem to be very well aquainted with the Editor; even to the point of knowing how many ears he has and which one works. If this indeed is the case would you please ask him, via the ear that works, when he is going to keep his promise to do something to improve this forum. A part of the problem with the New Improved Forum is that many of the old contributors couldn't figure out how to sign in to start with.

JPW has been logging on here for the best part of a year now and is one of the few contributors who could be bothered with the New Improved Forum when it sadly replaced the Brampton Wall. Now your telling him he doesn't know his Caps Lock from his Alt Ctr. Really - such typing errors are only made by those wearing boxing gloves.

Yours etc. Caryl

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

Tsk, I knew I'd have to sort things out sooner or later; you pathetic humans are hopeless at everything except making mistakes. As my owner, the Editor, can no longer see very well on account of his spectacles having fallen off and broken, and cannot tell one end of a computer from the other, a disability compounded by the inherent inferiority of the human olfactory sense and many years of bodily abuse, I have taken it upon myself (tricky for a canine at the best of times) to make some attempt to rectify this disturbing situation. To this end, JPW (the original) has been sent a new password, or a reminder of his old one, I'm not sure which, but it will work. If not, I would respectfully suggest not wearing the boxing gloves for the more delicate and non-masturbatory activities. My master tends only to wear them for sleeping, although this has led to him being thrown off one or two buses in the past.

Splint was a little easier; that account works perfectly, although I'd recommend changing the password as it is very guessable, and he has been known to spell it with an 'a' instead of an 'o' occasionally. Security systems can be picky about such things. I trust from your previous comment regarding case sensitivity that he is aware that the word should enjoy the same privilege as his Good Name.

Woof,

Bonzo
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Fergie · Joined: 27 Mar 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Rug

Ooh I love it when you talk human.. x

Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

This one works okay. Being that so many people are trying to be me,
( and Harold Splint).I have decided to be somebody else. Who? I havent decided yet.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

You could be me, but I wouldn't like it.

Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

Now you see how I feel.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

That'll be why my eyes feel strange then.

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

There's actually surprisingly little local work for male novelty trampolinists round here since the mines closed, that's why I had the sex-change. Still, it's progress; we shouldn't really complain. Of course, it's well nigh impossible to get local work anywhere else, they just don't want to know. As my grandad used to say, and he went to college: "There's no accounting for it."

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

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Barney Bastard · Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 6:06 pm Post subject: Do I not bleed?

My late father used to work for old Josiah Tulip at Tulip's Pin Works on School Board Lane. He went there straight from borstal as an apprentice sharpener, and worked his way up to foreman of the head polishing shop before getting the sack for being late. It's a small world if you ignore most of it.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

Barnaby Wylde · Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Near a teapot.

Just as a point of interest, my auntie Ernest was a shaft polisher at Tulip's during the war but we don't talk about it much. She also played the bagpipes on the Brampton tram until they threw her off for soiling the ashtrays. As she was always so fond of saying, "There's nowt so queer as them as int plumb." We often used to wonder what on earth she was talking about.

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

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Barnaby Wylde · Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Near a teapot.

My father, an accomplished and enthusiastic singer, wouldn't drink anything else, but I always assumed Tulip's Liniment was an imported delicacy. I had no idea it was a local brew; that would account for why it was mysteriously available throughout the whole year.

Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

You weren’t supposed to drink it; Tulip’s anti- tic liniment was made specifically to deaden the noise on over- loud clocks. Over 4 tons were successfully applied to the gears and striking mechanism on St Thomas’s alone, just to keep the workers on the night shift at the nearby Arthur Kindling’s Stick foundry happy during the day.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

My granny used it for everything.

C. Urmudgeon · Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

It was an excellent cure for saxophones, as long as you were careful.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Harold Hight · Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

I tried that but the neighbours complained to the Town Hall. How did he cure his saxophone though?

Jenny Talwort · Joined: 29 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

Will you blokes stop it. Us ladies can't get a word in edgeways. Every time I think or something to type in I get half way through and then another message pops up about somebody's saxophone or nail or something like that and then I forget what it was I was going to put down in the first place. I bet your wives wonder what you are up to all day long sat at your keyboards tapping away like that, it must be an awful racket and, I would think there must be more things to do around the house or in the garden than being sat at that thing all day long and it must be bad for your eyes anyway and a bad example to the kids poor things, they'll all end up with no jobs and wearing glasses. My husband is just the same except he spends all his time on e bay bidding for rubbish somebody else is glad to get rid of. The postman must be sick and tired of bringing cardboard boxes stuck together with yards of parcel tape to our house. I've stopped signing for them when he's out. What can anybody in there right mind want with a 1956 Hotpoint electric mangle. If he thinks I'm putting my smalls through that contraption he's got another think coming. And its just as bad when he manages to get rid of something like the old motobike cylinder head he managed to sell for £3.50. It was me who humped it round to the post office and then ended up paying £12 to post it to somebody in Kent. He still owes me that but I hope he doesn't think I've forgotten, everytime I look at this Brampton Bugle Forum it reminds me of what men can get up to on their computers when they think there wives won't find out. Its been nice chatting to you all and I hope nobody has written in again while I've been typing here. I'm a good speller bur I've never had formal training on a typewriter and so I'm a bit slow in that respect.

admin · Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 11:17 pm Post subject: Post subject:

You obviously know nothing about mangles, but nevertheless a feminine touch is always welcome here at Bugle Towers.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Gone off

admin · Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 12:19 am Post subject: Re: Touched by Femininity

For those interested in such things, there is a website devoted to artwork produced by both amateur and professional horses here:
http://www.gullible-twat.com

Little Jim · Joined: 27 Aug 2007 Posts: 5

I'm ever so guilible;my favorite book is Guilibles Travels. Even so I would like all the horse drawing speculation stuff to stop right now, so JPW can continue his story. What happened next JPW? Did the leopards make it out on time or did they mess up the kitchen again? What did the American Secret Service want, and at that time of night for goodness sake?

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

Interesting point: Few people actually realise this, but the word 'gullible' does not, and has never, appeared in any published dictionary of the English language.
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Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

Hello everyone, I just dropped in to say 'hello' to everyone, but an overwhelming sense of community compels me to offer some invaluable advice regarding the removal of unwanted leopard droppings from most kitchen floors. Simply use sellotape. I've kept leopards for many years, so I know what I'm talking about, trust me.

The American Secret Service came to our house the other day too, and I've got a sign up. I don't know what they wanted, I'm sure.

Ron

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Jenny Talwort · Joined: 29 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

The only flying saucer you'll see around here is the one aimed at my husband's head if he dares to bring any more live stock back here. The last thing that he turned up with was a half dead ( but more lively than he is in bed lately) lizard in a glass tank, so if any of you out there are contemplating, or thinking of, starting a lizard dropping collection just turn up with your own football or rugby supporters hat and I'll be pleased to fill it. There's also half a pork pie he pushed under the mattress last Christmas. If your specialised subject happens to be rare species of mould growth or denture impressions in pastry please let me know.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

My granny used to make pies with her teeth until she ran out. She got knocked down by a tram and the Council said it was her own fault. You had to make your own fun in those days.

Jenny Talwort · Joined: 29 Nov 2007 Posts: 3

You do get up early Gertie - 4.15 am or have you been up all night trampolining you Lucky girl ?

Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

One of my leopards, Graham, nearly ate a postman once. Trouble was, he wasn't too bright (Graham, that is) and as any dog will tell you, it's hard to tell the difference when they take their hats off. He was sick for days afterwards of course, and we ended iup getting a new stair carpet off the insurance - it was easier. The Sally Army always want trousers, so nothing went to waste. We never told anyone, naturally.

I remember Tinny Johnson's when it was exactly the same as it is now, only in a better place. They've never managed to sell that wee little ladder over the door though.

trampoline Gertie · Joined: 23 Jun 2007 Posts: 9 Location: Brampton

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

C. Urmudgeon · Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 7

Your grandad was lucky - we couldn't afford summer at all, let alone school radiators. The milk monitor was occasionally allowed to cuddle the school pig on the last day of term though, but only if it wasn't busy.

Ronnie Bastard · Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 6 Location: An institution

That wasn't the school pig, it was the headmaster.

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Ronnie Bastard · Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 6 Location: An institution

Our headmaster, Mr Torquemada, certainly had an obnoxious pipe but it was seldom used to keep the inkwells warm. We couldn't afford ink anyway; we had to use our own blood, although more often than not we'd use 'Piggy' Blatherwick's because he didn't usually notice.

Barney Bastard · Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:11 am Post subject: Re: Fun?

Actually Ronnie, that was just you.

Arnold Tulip · Joined: 06 Nov 2007 Posts: 18 Location: Brampton (west)

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JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 79 Location: Walgrove area

Ron Pompom · Joined: 05 Dec 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Here

Oddly enough, this is a subject which I have studied at great length. The real secret behind the big leap forward in pie-based combat technology was the invention of Scrotter's Patent Industrial Gelatin Stabilising Compound. Obviously, an equally critical factor was the structural integrity of the crust, but that was already well known by the time old Scrotter made his remarkable breakthrough that cold rainy night in 1944 after many years of furtive and painstaking research in his garden shed laboratory down Sydney Street.

The old hand-held pork pies used to bring about the Russian revolution reputedly had crusts with the tensile strength of reinforced steel, but were a risky business to use due to the inherent instability of the gelatin, which, as you'll know, becomes somewhat unpredictable (within the already volatile chemical conditions of such a weapon) at anything over 37.6º Fahr., especially if the pork involved is of a superior quality. The cold weather was a clear advantage in that respect, but many an unfortunate revolutionary rued the day he stuffed one in his trouser pocket, although admittedly not for long. Thus, the legendary heavy-gauge Russian pie casings, although vastly superior, were a double edged sword, as a larger explosion is only a tactical advantage if it is much closer to the genitals of one's opponent than one's own. Despite that though, the rise of Communism owes most of its success to the humble pork pie; a fact which often tends to get overlooked in the history books.

Of course, the Chinese discovered the potential pyrotechnical properties of pork pies several thousand years ago, even before they invented gunpowder, but were more interested in making fireworks than weapons and regarded the blowing up of food for mere amusement as an unacceptable conflict of interests. Besides, as every schoolboy knows to his cost, it is more than a bit difficult to make an impressive firework out of a pork pie. I have always maintained that the pork pie, in fact, led directly to the invention of gunpowder and consequently the greater proportion of modern conventional weaponry.

SPIGS Compound, as it became clandestinely known in the twilight world of secret scientific circles, could well have changed the world as we know it back in '45, had its use been implemented, but consider this: The Americans are known to have been stockpiling it since the war, and rumour tells of vast underground reservoirs containing untold quantities. Redundant technology? I think not. Did you ever meet a poor American pig farmer? No, I thought not - that's due to the apparently disproportionate amount of Government subsidy they receive, likely as not from the US defence budget. It's hard to believe, I know, but the Americans aren't quite as stupid as they appear to be. Think about it; how many pork pies are the so-called 'enemy' likely to have?

Hitler was far too much of a gentleman for such underhanded tactics of course, despite the rabid anti-semitism instilled in him by his Catholic upbringing and education. That, and the fact that German pork pies are reputedly rather nice.

Fr. Grumptious O'Bastard · Joined: 27 Jun 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Brampton

I resent that last remark and must protest strongly. British pork pies are by far the superior product.

God be with you.