The Brampton Bugle

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

Are there any other articulate canines out there?

The watcher · Guest

I knew a boxer that was double jointed.

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

Woof!

Er, what gender?

YKW · Guest

I knew a double jointed boxer too (wonder if same?) Was he called (something like) "Knock 'em out Norman"? Wasn't very articulate though (probably the brain damage). Deadly in the ring though.

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

I sometimes wonder if you idiotic humans didn't call us 'Boxers' simply for the purpose of making pathetically unfunny references to pugilism and packaging. It's about time we had a forum restricted to canine use only.

Jim Splint (heir) · Guest

I agree with you about having a forum just for people pretending to be dogs, then you can get out of Splint’s corner and leave that for Splint related matters only.

Fergie · Joined: 27 Mar 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Rug

He's quite right really Bonzo, although the sheer arrogance of that species never fails to amaze me. Why they feel they have to assume this, frankly, comically superior stance is one of life's great mysteries. Still, it provides some amusement, and it's a change from sniffing things. Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are?

admin · Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 2:17 am Post subject: Notice to canine visitors

It would appear that a degree of segregation is necessitated in order to maintain some kind of order here. It is for this reason that we have been inspired and compelled to launch the Dogs Only section of our forum which is to be found HERE

We apologise for the inconvenience to our readers.

The Watcher · Guest

Apologies accepted, now lets hope JPW and H Splint(that’s if it isn’t the same chap) start contributing to this excellent forum.

A Splint · Guest

The other day I bumped into my close relation JPW in the high street; luckily I was in a dodgem car at the time and was unhurt, but he was slightly shaken. I asked him why he hadn’t written anything in the new improved Bugle forum lately and hinted in a non sarcastic way that he had run out of ideas.
“Not at all,” he replied and after helping him limp home, he showed me his latest project, a book he had written.
“A book?” said I, “what’s it about?” I added, hoping he’d let me read it before his wife put it on the multi burner stove for background literary ambience.
“Oh,” he replied, “this and that, bizarre goldfish given as gifts from alien visitors to Earth; The Boltons, a place in London with strange connections to Staveley ; Heavenly Paradise a wonderful roving planet that looks just like Earth but isn’t , and
instead of religion they have table tennis.
“That all?” I inquired, noticing it was time for my medication.
“No,” he said emphatically, “there’s the Roswell crash, the cover ups, oh, and not forgetting a wormhole in a field near Staveley with a direct route to another planet.”
“Oh,” said I, “fiction is it?”
“No,” he said sternly, “it’s all true, in fact I’ve written a children’s book on the same subject just for clarity.”
“Do I know him?” I asked, but he like Queen Victoria was not amused so I humoured him by asking the title of the book.
“The Secret Order of Pie,” he said proudly, beaming like a newly polished lighthouse lens.
“Pi as in 3.141592653589793 etc?” I asked, remembering something useful from the days I spent in the liquorice allsorts evaluating department at Trebor.
“Yes, and know,” he replied, “it also hints at a secret order of pork pies that are delivered to London every week for the more discerning alien visitor to this planet.”
“Oh,” I said again, “can I read it, is it published yet?”
“No chance,” he said, “I’ve had some good acknowledgments up to now, but because I’m not Jaded Goody or a Sposh pice or a footballer, nobody wants to know.”
He thrust a bundle of rejection letters at me that I skimmed through, but what caught my eye (the swellings nearly disappeared) was the list of acknowledgments from various readers of high repute.
Without his knowledge I hand copied some of them in pencil and then back at home I transferred it to my computer (clever eh). Here they are, for all to see.

Endorsements

“I didn’t actually buy a copy myself; someone bought it me for a present. Did I like it? Well yes, in a metaphysical sort of way, although to be totally honest, apart from the amusing title and well drawn illustration on the front cover, I didn’t understand a word of it. No, that’s not entirely true. The poems were nice, oh and I liked the bit about wormholes. Nevertheless, it will always have pride of place on my coffee table.”

S. Hawkin.

“A great book, I recommend it to anyone about to learn the mouth organ. The references to the greatest exponent of the instrument that ever lived were spell bounding, or is that spell binding.”

S. Blower (sub editor of Harmonica weekly)

“I thoroughly enjoyed the book, although I must stress to the reader that it is complete fiction, all made up in the mind of the author. Many people get obsessed with flying saucers after they’ve visited Roswell, I did myself one night after seeing a strange light in the sky, however it subsequently turned out to be a wonky street light down on the old Dexter Highway in New Mexico. UFO’s, aliens and such like are all a flight of fancy and the real reason for the intrigue at Roswell in 1947 was an incident with a weather balloon and a roll of tin foil.”

Major I Keapstum. (Assistant security officer at Wright-Patterson. Catering branch)

“My goodness what a revelation, it’s nice to know someone at least has recognised the beauty of the perfect game.”

Chin, Chin Ping.( ex world champion table tennis player)

“Loved it, especially the part where the wasp stung Winston Churchill on his naughty bits.”

Harold Hitler from Woking (no relation)

“Captivating story line, stunning dialogue and mind-boggling similes, all mixed in with a interconnecting thread of adoration to the most revered pet ever sold by us ; the goldfish.

Best wishes in the future from Edmund Rowley (co- owner of Paradise Aquatics High Street, Neasden.

Dicky Ticker · Guest

I look forward to reading it, although (correct me if I'm wrong) I notice there is no mention of string. I regard this as a lamentable omission in any great work of literature. It's quite true about the pork pies though, any discerning alien will tell you the best pork pies came from Brampton. Sadly they don't now, you just can't get the secret ingredients any more.

JPW (its me) · Guest

Regarding string and the apparent lack of it in my work. I’ll have you know I’m an obsessive where string is concerned. I failed to mention this in my first book in case the authorities seized all copies, but my second book - Faster than Dark, aimed at children, who don’t have preconceived objections, is full of string, and not just the friendly tactile hand coiled stuff we all know and love, but the more scientific String Theory that shapes our lives.

Willy Curry · Guest

You'd be lucky to get fresh hand coiled string these days, but it's good to see such things are still appreciated in more civilized and cultured circles such as this. Kids today don't know what they're missing.

Biggles · Guest

In my experience, to aim a book at children, it is best to throw slightly in front of them and low over their heads. Bit like the old days when I flew Camels against the Tri decky biplanes.

I've completely forgotten · Guest

I used to fly a vicar's wellington, but those little blue pills made us daft enough to try anything.

Fr. Peter O'Foyle · Guest

Chip · Guest

Don't get mad Slpint. Im not after peeing in your corner. I am just chipping in to see if I can get any adverts for chips to appear at the top of this page. Its a new hobby I've invented.

oven ready chips, fish and chips, wood chips, frozen chips, burnt chips, blue chips, egg and chips, chip shop, chip off the old block, shoulder chip, potato chips, soggy chips and pie and chips.

I also like kicking drain pipes.

Anybody with similar interests or wanting to exchange magazines and books to do with collecting asbestos roof sheets please get in touch. Photograph appreciated.

H Splint · Guest

Who's Slpint?

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

I like licking drainpipes, and oddly enough I happen to own a veritable plethora of literature in several languages on the subject of collecting asbestos roofing materials. Still, I'm just a dog; I don't suppose I'm welcome in this 'monkey forum' any more.
_________________
*************************
------ Dignity for Dogs ------
Support the Brampton Bugle
campaign against nun baiting.
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Fergie · Joined: 27 Mar 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Rug

You tell 'em, big boy.

Big Jim · Guest

There's enough dog sh.t on the pavements without adding to it in Splints corner. Please keep your own crap in your own corner.

admin · Posted: Tue May 01, 2007 12:04 am Post subject: Gratuitous link

Readers with an interest, academic or otherwise, in canine excretion may be interested in this article on the subject by Bob Rumptangle:

STOOL PROBE

Many thanks for your valuable time.

Chips · Guest

Dear H Splint

Further to your recent enquiry:- Slpint is the inventor of the wooden support designed to be strapped to the epnis of those suffering from Dyslexic Impotancy. Spontaneous erections, such as those induced by the sight and smell of raw fish heads, can thus be preserved for use up to 3 days later. All good fishmongers stock this device which has the benefit of no side effects such as swollen eye balls common with some oral impotancy therapies.

Yours faithfully,

Chips

bonzo · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 15 Location: Basket

Dailysex my ears - I knew you were a dog pretending to be human. You're that big daft labrador from Sludge Lane who's always hanging about outside Gusset & Stench's fishmongers on the main road. Have you no pride?
_________________
*************************
------ Dignity for Dogs ------
Support the Brampton Bugle
campaign against nun baiting.
*************************

cars patrol chasing torre · Guest

snow cars chasing patrol audio lyric snow chasing cars patrol lyric snow chasing cars patrol

JPW · Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 49 Location: Walgrove area

Its bad enough have folk pretending to be dogs writing in here, but this takes the biscuit.

Percussion Section · Guest

Quite right. The old brick wall was far better, no dogs pissing up it, no links that stink, just good original BRAMPTON humour. All is lost in the name of Google Ads and 'phpbb' (who ever they are) claiming to create communities. BRING BACK THE BRAMPTON WALL we liked it.

Signed Mucho Decibelo ( Leading Percussionist Brampton Brass Band Bucket Bangers)

admin

It's probably one of those 'modern' poets.

Regarding the resurrection of the aforementioned 'Brampton wall', we preferred it as well. Rest assured, our team of technicians is beavering away day and night. As we don't know where they hide the beavers, it means we all have to put up with things as they are until such time as they decide to stop beavering and deduce how to bring about the requisite changes. The adverts can be lost by switching off Javascript.

Mucho Decibelo · Guest

Thats good news about the BRAMPTON WALL. This calls for a musical celebration led by the massed Brass Bands of Brampton offering their interpretation of Schuberts Piano Quintet ' The Lambs of Spring' leading emotionally into 'The Pie Makers Mincer' by Heesa Chopin.

Choral

Wider Still and Wider
Will our Mouths be Set
Splint who made The Forum
Make it Wittier Yet

Followed by the Euphonium Sections rendition of Knees Up Mother Brown

But JAVASCRIPT ?? - What the ----- ? Where the h---s the delete button for that? We didn't even know we were suffering from it in the first place. No wonder there are so many dogs sniffing around this site.

[/i]Signed:- Mucho Decibelo

H Splint · Guest

After reading the last few postings regarding the old Brampton Wall, and the efforts made to bring it back, I too caught a dose of severe nostalgia and had to go to Bolsover for an injection.
On the way there the bus stopped momentarily just outside the old Markham’s works and for a brief moment I stared longingly at what used to be the epicenter of engineering excellence. Filled with pride I wrote this poem as a tribute to the great man- Charles Paxton Markham, a man you gave Chesterfield so many things including Paxton road, which, ladies of a certain age will remember as the road to Zanzibar.

Charles Paxton Markham.

Goodbye Charlie, farewell Hollis Lane.
Your hallowed halls are still; the music stopped,
And only ghostly whispers sweep through the spaces that were once filled with splendor.

Listen, listen, smell the smell.
If you can tell, then you are blessed.

Recall the days of joy and pride.
Names like Kariba, El Chocon, Dinorwic did provide,
Sustenance, that kept the soul alive.

You are not forgotten.
Every sturdy shelf can say thank you Charlie.

Mucho Decibelo · Guest

Aaaaah - The Nostalgia of SPITAL BOTTOM.

Ah SPEETALIO as pa pa used to sing out as we drifted on gondolas, afloat on golden water, to moore along side Markham's Machine Shop. Many a treasured hour slipped by as we listened to the busy buzz of the surface grinder chewing its through a piece of inch and a quater carbon steel plate. And then the moment we treasured most of all as the same piece of carbon steel, ten thou to small, took wings through the open window and landed in the bottom of our craft. Thats how pa pa , a poor immigrant grew wealthy, recycling Charlies cocked up jobs. The happiest days were pure Phosphour Bronze and White Metal Bearings.

And thats how I went deaf, listening to the grinders and pnuematic scrabblers, and was enabled to follow my passion for percussion instruments and big brass bands. In different ways we all owe much to Charles (Charley) Paxton Markham

. Signed - Mucho Decibelas

Lady Splint · Guest

Regarding the article my husband, the late Sir Harold Splint wrote concerning Charles Markham, and more to the point, Paxton Road and the road to Zanzibar. I used to be one of those ‘lady’s of a certain age’ back in my youth, and I remember vividly sitting in the back of his Morris Minor (with a leaky soft top) and him showing me the stars shining over the Orient. It was years later that I discovered that they were the lights from Staveley Works, and the so- called shooting stars we used to see from time to time were the discharge and sparks from the cast iron pipe shop.

Bessy Slag · Guest

Its not funny. There's a lass here got sore eyes by having her her face pressed up against the rear widow of that same Morris Minor. It seemed so romantic at the time, gazing at the Northern Lights behind the welding shop. Never again - not without welding goggles.

Pious Porkio · Guest

My grandpapa also gondolier, he sing dirty tune to preety ladies from Robbo's and sail sparkling waters of river Eeper gathering rats for recycling. Is a no joke.

Jim Splint · Guest

Talking about granddads ; for those who remember the old Brampton wall, in the days when a pork pie used to mean something to folk around here, I wrote a poem about my granddad’s legendary wallpapering ability. Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties and a bad dose of heavy pruning, the masterpiece was cut down in its prime and cast into the dustbin of necessity (does that make sense? It sounds clever anyway) However, some kind lady ( who will remain nameless for scientific reasons) E-mailed a copy of it with instructions to re submit. So I have-

Me Granddad

As a nation we love competition.
From tallest building, to heaviest cat.
We give prizes in Jarrow for marrow.
And at Ascot for silliest hat.

So I’ve looked in a big book of records.
And found things quite strange and bizarre.
But there isn’t a prize for wall papering,
Me granddad’s best subject by far.

If there could be prizes for papering,
I’m sure that me granddads would win.
Even some one off the tele,
Wouldn’t stand any chance against him.

You might say he was close to obsession,
All around him there wasn’t a bare wall.
But he only papered up to the dado.
He‘d no ladder, and wasn’t very tall.

Jim Splint · Guest

Had another E-mail this morning (that’s two in as many years) from the same, ‘I wish to remain nameless’ female benefactor. She told me that she had foreseen the problems with the old Brampton wall, and copied all the Splint related stuff for prosperity,( hers or mine) Anyway she sent me a complete list of it all, un- purged and glistening. I in turn am fully ashamed, apart from the poem I wrote about why I didn’t go to university, so here it is again.

University Challenged

When I recall the fifties, it was such a far off dream,
For Secondary Modernists to reach for academe.
The stakes were high; state schools were low,
And then there was the cost.
The entry grade was then two B’s
And I just had a wasp.

Lady of a certain age · Guest

Dont forget this one Jim x

The Tallest Man Sat Down.

I’ve just found out that in our town,
I am the tallest man sat down.
No cushion on the seat for me.
I need no aid, sat down to see.

When I’m standing, my physique,
Hides the fact that I’m unique.
I am quite short from foot to bum,
So standing up I’m medium.

My school days were not the best.
Head and shoulders above the rest.
Always picked out for detention,
You can’t hide, with a back extension.

People come from miles around.
To catch a glimpse of me, sat down.
It might be silly, but to me,
I love the notoriety.

Splints Bints · Guest

And this one Jim ( remember it, and me)

God spoke to me the other day.

God spoke to me the other day, in a non-ecclesiastical way.
It wasn’t even a religious place.
His voice was American; he didn’t show his face.

Why did I, think he was God.
An American voice, now is that odd.
Is there a hidden, implication, could it be the medication?

He picked me, and that’s okay.
But one thing struck me right away, I don’t believe in him at all.
So why did he pick me to call?

I said, “God I don’t believe in you”
He said, “Sometimes I support that view, so listen carefully what I say,
Perhaps take notes along the way”.

“For years I’ve had this secret,
Now it’s got too much to bear.
I’ve looked in all my records, and picked you out to share,
This monumental knowledge, to take some strains off me.
About life, and the creation, and who killed Kennedy.”

When he’d finished speaking, I couldn’t move with fear.
The things that God had told me were still ringing in my ear.
Now I’m not going to say much, God said it all that day,
He dropped me with a bombshell, then he quickly went away.
So now I have the answers, don’t you all wish you were me?
It’s time for my last tablet, before I have me tea.

Lord Splint the younger · Guest

Please keep out of our corner with your smutty adverts. This is for Splint related things only. I can safely say that we Splints have always been able to keep our end up, without any artificial aids, or pills. In my day a piece of nutty slack was all I needed to get steam up.

admin · Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 7:26 pm Post subject: Viagra vs. anthracite

Spurious entries are removed as soon as they are spotted - just ignore them. However, it should be noted that since the advent of smokeless fuels, the sale of boxing gloves has diminished considerably.